Since Silly Scotty Edwards and Putnam County's "leaders" failed to get                                     the Hurricane Wal-Mart                                   open in time for the                                 2007 holiday shopping                           season, something                                  needs to be done with                                the empty 180,000                                   square-foot                                   "supercenter."

With that in mind,                                       here is my Top 12 list                                  of possibilities. Call them "The Dirty Dozen":

15) A Family Fun Center. Put in 50 lanes of bowling, an Olympic size swimming pool, a lazy river, kiddie pool, go-carts, miniature golf, and lazer tag. Putnam County needs family entertainment far more than it needs a discount department store. People would come from Cabell and Kanawha Counties just to enjoy the fun, spend their money, then go home!

14) The new World Headquarters of Netranom Communications. This building won't have holes in the siding, no bullet hole in the side window, no missing sections of siding.

13) The new Hurricane Hummer dealership. Maybe they can fit a few of those guzzlers inside. Maybe.

12) So that's where they stashed Nitro's money!

11) Move Hurricane City Manager Ben Newhouse into the building. This way he will actually live in town and pay Hurricane taxes. And Councilwoman Patty Hager will finally know where Newhouse actually lives.

10) The new Putnam County Animal Relief Center. We're always hearing how our dog pound is too small, overcrowded, and in terrible condition. There's plenty of room for pound puppies in an empty 180,000 square-foot building.

9) Hold car races in the parking lot. Right now, the only Hurricane Wal-Mart customers are curiosity seekers. Every day they drive up the hill, look at the empty building and say, "Oooh, aaaah, an empty Wal-Mart!" Instead we can charge entrance fees, let them race up the hill, and the winner gets a victory lap around the empty parking lot. Yes, drag-racing up the hill will be noisy, but when has the City of Hurricane cared about excessive noise?

8) We can use the building as a storage unit for Mayor Edwards' ego. It's 180,000 square-feet. Never mind, the building isn't big enough!

7) Let Councilwoman Hager paint the building pumpkin. Then let her post ugly signs all over Hurricane. That way the town will have a bigger eyesore than Scott Edwards' Old Town Hall.

6) Store unsealed ballots marked for Scott Edwards for Mayor. We need a new location. Hiding them at City Hall has already been done.

5) West Virginia's largest buffet. It will sell out faster than a Putnam County politician.

4) Hang a Big Bear or Ames sign on the building. What's the difference?

3) Blow up the building. Why not? They blew up everything else on the hill, including the hill! We can sell raffle tickets for people to push the detonator plunger. I'll buy a ticket for Scott Edwards!

2) The official Hurricane Police speeding ticket storage unit. If it isn't big enough, there's land available to expand.

1) Donate the building to Marshall University. After all, that's what the Putnam County politicians promised when they spent millions to buy the land!